conductor: hey youre dragging a little on that solo
me: its my reed
Violinist, sweating: It…it’s my reed.
(via orchestrahumor)
THIRD YEAR IS DONE.
OH my gosh guuuuuyyyys it’s been a mad four months since I’ve last posted. How are we all? Firstly, I’m gonna touch on my last post because sis I was going through it! Shortly after that post I finally started seeing a psychologist. I have my tenth session in early December and over the last few months the improvement has been LITERALLY life changing (surprising, huh?), my phobia is completely manageable now. I very rarely have random anxiety attacks about sensations in my stomach, I almost never think about best before dates or possibility of me getting sick from eating something and I don’t have meltdowns when I’m hungover! My focus has been so much better, I enjoy practicing at uni and I even enjoy being there sometimes! I have been training myself in the art of mindfulness and teaching myself how not to fall into dangerous thinking traps around practice. Thoughts like ‘I need/have to practice today or else’ have gone completely out the window. If I open my case and feel blocked, it’s fine! I’ll stay for a small while and if I can’t work out of the headspace, I’ll pack up and leave. Maybe I’ll feel better at home or somewhere else. The practice I intended to do will get done in due time. I’m also working on not beating myself up for not practicing for 3+ hours. Quite often I’ll practice for 2-2.5. Was the practice effective/efficient? Did I achieve my goals for the session? Have I improved my target areas? Most importantly, did I enjoy myself? Generally, most if not all of these are yes. If they are no, then it’s fine. We have good and bad days. I’m also allowing myself one entire day off from the viola per week. Sometimes this is harder to achieve in busy periods but I think a full 24hrs away from the instrument does wonders for the mind (and body!).
So basically, I’ve reworked my thinking patterns so they are positively reinforced, and I try my absolute best not to beat myself up or feel guilty over not practicing ‘enough’. In doing this, I’ve managed to work out how to stay out of the drama, politics and all the other miserable bullshit. I now know when to stop caring, and I know to remove myself from a situation if a particular person or group are being toxic. Tackling that Libra FOMO am I right?
So all of these things combined thanks to my psychologist, and also my boyfriend for reinforcing and encouraging literally everything she says has allowed me to truly shine as the violist I want to be. I have been given so many wonderful (sometimes accidental) opportunities and have seized all of them. I was successful with my audition for the AYO National Music Camp, received my first high distinction for performance, was placed in the front desk for the Mahler 8 concert for Con (it was INCREDIBLE JOHANNES IS THE BEEESSSSTTT) and placed as Viola 3 for QYS next year!
Oh, also, I got a job?! A Grill’d opened up down the road from my house and they decided to hire me. Love that. My workmates are absolute fire. Best workplace I’ve ever experienced.
Amongst the successes though, there have been some speed bumps. The biggest one being when the scroll snapped off my viola after falling over IN ITS CASE. So that was truly heartbreaking, I cried for hours and couldn’t sleep that night - biggest shoutout ever to Davis I don’t know how much snot and tears his clothes have absorbed over the past year lmao I am so messy when I cry - but after a month, the wonderful Excalibur was repaired and returned to me in mint condition. While he was in repair, I went back to my old friend Arthur (pictured below) who my teacher kindly lended to me. I did my QYS audition and recital with this instrument and obviously it did not detract from my results. It was pretty awesome to realise how well I really know that instrument after playing on it for the later half of last year.
In my last post, I said I would endeavour to change the way I “think about myself, both as a human and a musician, find a way to let the politics and all the other con trash wash over me, and hone in on why I’m here in the first place.” I definitely think I am well on the way. I fully intend to smash my final year.
Just a side note: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE speak to a professional if you are struggling with your mental health! It doesn’t matter how big or small you think the issue is! It is so easy to get a mental health plan from a GP and start seeing someone. Please. I hate all this ‘ooo my anxiety did this today,’ ‘my anxiety has been so bad lately,’ ‘I’ve been too anxious/depressed to practice,’ GO AND SEE SOMEONE. Your mental health affects you AND your relationships. Suffering from mental health issues is incredibly exhausting and so difficult but it is so so so fixable! Please. I have no idea how the rest of my year would have turned out if I didn’t start seeing a psychologist. Don’t give up on yourself.
Creative block.
Exactly what the title states. Something I have been struggling with more than ever this year. It comes in waves. I’ll have a really productive week then all of a sudden something hits the brakes.
I find being at university extremely mentally taxing. The number of successful practice sessions versus breakdowns is honestly pretty terrifying. Too many times have I found myself unable to even open my case. I just sit there staring at my instrument, sometimes for as long as an hour, before eventually just crying. What about? I have no idea. All I want is to pick up my instrument and play but I just can’t. I know what I need to do, I know what is required to achieve my musical goals but it feels like there is a huge invisible wall between myself and the viola. By the time I’ve finished crying, whether that lasts for 20 minutes or two hours, the only energy I have left is completely used up from prying myself up off the floor and walking to the train station.
I rarely practice at con because of this. Something to do with the environment and how it effects my self esteem. I’ve spoken to my boyfriend about this often, both when I’m stable and in the midst of an episode. He suspects it could be a subconscious belief that I’m not good enough and don’t deserve to be here. Logically, and on the surface, I don’t think like this, but it would make a lot of sense if this was lying underneath. Oh, also the ever-present fear of never landing a playing job.
Being surrounded by people of all different musical abilities is fine, but the egotistical, narcissistic nature of the con is so difficult to avoid. The politics completely infiltrate people. It’s so toxic. If you’re not licking someone’s arse hole to get to the top you’re probably punching a wall over how unfair it all feels. Unsurprisingly people are judgemental. It makes it difficult when the really phenomenal players are the nastiest. If I felt like I could admire them I think I’d find it much easier. Some of them I can, but they’re probably not string players. Honestly, almost all of the highest level string players at con are snakes in the grass. Looking out for only themselves, just trying to impress all the right people and completely dismissing everyone they think are beneath them.
I’m going to take a separate paragraph to talk about another issue related to all of this. I think when you strip everything away from a musician, what should be at the very core of their being is love. For music. How it makes them feel, how they connect with their instrument. All of that wanky stuff. I think a lot of people forget that. Once the ego takes over, all people care about is being better than everyone else, getting the highest mark, getting the best orchestra seat etc. Always having something really nasty to say when someone plays in workshop or even just passing a practice room. There are so many of these people, especially in the string department. Some of them I seriously doubt whether they even enjoy music anymore.
Are you starting to see why I avoid the place now?
I’ve spoken to so many people, nearly all of which have said they’ve hit this kind of horrible wall around the third year mark. Just where I happen to be. Nearly all of them say something along the lines of ‘yeah I fucking hate this place.’ All of them have had several breakdowns in con practice rooms. All of them hate the politics. If so many people feel like this, of course it will affect everybody.
So yes. Creative block. Something all creatives go through. Environmental, self inflected, or both. It’s unbearable. What I want to know is how do we get through it? How can we minimise the chance of it happening?
Personally, I think I have an overwhelming amount of self-doubt, and am far too sensitive to the negative influences in my environment. I don’t think I’m alone in feeling this way. For the remaining year and a half of my time at the Conservatorium, I will endeavour to change how I think about myself, both as a human and a musician, find a way to let the politics and all the other con trash wash over me, and hone in on why I’m here in the first place.
Why am I here?
Because I fucking love music.
Hey pals, now I’ve got a bit of breathing space I figured it was probably time for an update.
It’s been a busy trimester! I’m in my third year at the con. Holy shit. Absolutely loving it - generally. Still loving the experience of my weekly lessons and personal practice, working to put on what will hopefully be a pretty fresh recital. The program will be the Adagio and Presto from Bach’s first solo violin sonata (before anyone comes for me, no I DON’T play the violin it’s just significantly more challenging than another cello suite), the first movement of the Forsyth Concerto and the first three movements from Hindemith’s solo viola sonata op. 25. It’s all coming together quite nicely. Pretty much got the Forsyth and Hindemith memorised. I’m using music for the Bach to save myself the stress - I’m concerned about my stamina levels for the Presto to be honest. It should be a good time though. I’m holding it at my teacher’s house alongside my lovely friend Courtney who will be holding her recital too.
The orchestral program this year is SIGNIFICANTLY better than last year. I was recently a part of the Petrouschka concert where we also played La Valse and the Prelude to the Afternoon of a Faun. The concert was amazing and such an incredible experience. We played The Death of Tybalt from Prokofiev’s Romeo and Juliet as an encore and I managed to pluck my C string so hard I pulled my bridge over about 1cm to the left… I wondered why my C string ended up a tone flat and my A a tone sharp… and might not have realised… anything was wrong… until Monday…. the concert was on a Friday… eep……..I really enjoyed working with Fabian Russel as maestro too. The week before that I was involved in an opera scenes project of Purcell’s The Fairy Queen. This was super fun too! I’ve never done opera before and it was a really great experience working in such a small ensemble. Us stringies all got to use baroque bows to experiment with the flavour of the period and I think we all played really well together, truly capturing the essence of Baroque music. I also thoroughly enjoyed working with Nicholas Cleobury. The viola bants were a good time. I get to work with him again in August where I will be principal of the section for the world premier of Paul Dean’s Dry River Run. I can’t wait! I’m also going to be a part of Dvorak’s New World Symphony in September and Mahler 8 in November. It’s so exciting. I’m super impressed with how the con has stepped up their game with the program.
I’ve also been having a lot of fun with my chamber trio - which we have recently named Ensemble Edesia (the goddess of food because yes u guessed it we are all food enthusiasts and all the edgy arty gods and goddesses have already been taken). We had the chamber showcase last week which was a really bizarre experience honestly. The performance felt really solid and we had loads of fun but we all made so many stupid mistakes! The good thing about that though, is that it means we truly were making music and enjoying ourselves, which at the end of the day is so much better than perfection. We’re awaiting to hear whether we have been accepted into the Australian Festival of Chamber Music so ~~~ watch this space ~~~ and we’re thinking about putting on some of our own concerts eventually.. it’ll involve building a program around a couple of chamber works and solo repertoire for each of us (viola, clarinet, piano). It’s a really exciting prospect which I hope we go through with. I do seriously absolutely love making music with them.
QYS has also been an absolute ball. The night after Petrouschka we had our second concert for the year, which involved La Mer and Shostakovich 5. Again, an awesome experience and such fantastic repertoire. We’ve just started getting stuck into Stravinsky’s The Rite of Spring which will be epicccc, and considering I’ve had Petrouschka as a nice warm up, shouldn’t take too long to get under my fingers.
Academically, things have been pretty breezy. Third year doesn’t require any theory or aural training which gives plenty of spare time.. I kind of wish we still had some kind of aural training though. I think it’s important to keep it going - my sightsinging has almost gone completely out the window. We did have MLAAM though (my life as a musician) which was a cute little bit of absolute HELL. We had to do a project planning group assignment and it was so horrible and awful and disgusting and not that relevant and oh my god it was SO shit like UNBELIEVABLY shit but it’s over thank god so time to eat the sPAGHET and FORGET.
Reflecting on the last 6 months from a personal stance, this year has been really interesting so far. I did a bunch of tests in March to sort out my health. My stomach issues still aren’t resolved (I’m following this up next week), and I still need to see someone about my phobia, but I found out I was impressively low in b12. Since having a couple of booster jabs and popping a supplement every day my general mental state has improved exponentially. I haven’t had an anxiety induced meltdown since March (not including phobia panics) and my social anxiety levels have diminished so drastically it’s barely noticeable. I’ve also had a bunch of realisations about my ‘friends’ at the con. I have plenty of proper friends still, but there are a few people I really thought I could count on who have shown they’re nothing but narcissistic egomaniacs. I don’t resent them for it, but that sort of lack of awareness is something I don’t need to be troubling myself with. I don’t need to try to please people who only use me. I’ve found keeping these people at arms length has made me enjoy their company again, so long as I remember to keep it this way, they shouldn’t be able to hurt me anymore. Kind of tying into this is the big issue around con politics. There are so many people that are affected by this. It’s a really horrible reality confirming the ‘who you know, not what you know’ scenario. I don’t really want to go into the details of it in this post because it’s been the cause of so much suffering for me and for the moment I’m feeling free of it’s nasty grip so I don’t want to delve into it again. Mostly, I can stay above it, and my way of doing so is basically by avoiding the con at all costs. This is what I meant at the beginning of my post when I said I was ‘generally’ still loving what I’m doing. I go in occasionally to practice - usually at night so I can avoid certain people - and obviously I’ll go in for rehearsals. This is why I find orchestra difficult sometimes. The rehearsal schedule forces you to be there so much. It’s draining. It’s really hard not to get sucked into the nasty political bubble the con creates. Every day I have to remind myself there is so much more than the con. I don’t have to grovel to certain people to validate myself as a violist, or as a human. So many of us struggle with this. I hope some of you who know what I’m talking about have read this far. Know I’m here for you, and if you’re angry about something, you feel something is unjust, or you’re just downright fucking sick of the attitudes of some people, know that I’ve been there, or am there, and you have a friend in me.
Oh, and I have green hair now.
SHE’S BACK AND IT’S 2018 WOOOOOAAAAAHHH!!!!!!
Hey friends it’sa me back with another update on my LIFE are y’all READY !?!?!??!?!
I’m talking it up but it’s gonna be about as interesting as all my other posts lol. If you care enough to read all of this, enjoy :)
My Christmas holidays were spent mostly on my horse. No surprises there. I was actually fanging to get back to Brisbane, to be honest. Always sucks saying goodbye to Rockstar but I was feeling a little cabin feverish in the old FNQ. I was welcomed back into my wonderful home with a wicked party. It was really awesome to see so many faces I hadn’t been in close range with for months. Also, I managed to not be hungover the next day which was a significant achievement considering exactly one year prior I was keeling over a bin heaving and spending the day in the bath.
Getting back into the swing of things was pretty difficult. I wasn’t doing too badly on the practice train but could have done with a little more motivation. Then all of a sudden everything came out of nowhere and I was smacked in the face with far too many realities and responsibilities. Many breakdowns were had. I cried four times in one day… exactly a week ago, actually. But I am pleased to say this week has been significantly better and I’ve sorted everything out. I even have a beginner violin student!
This year is looking pretty busy for me, musically, which is fantastic. It’s terrifying, I’ll be honest.. but fantastic nonetheless. The exam criteria has changed for third years and I now get one 30 minute unmarked recital mid year and a 40 minute one at the end of the year. I am also in QYS which has about 5 concerts this year, a couple of chamber projects and con orchestra which will supply me with a bunch of performances as well. I have so much repertoire to learn! My end of year recital for instance consists of the first movement of Der Schwanendreher (Hindemith), the second and third movements of the Shostakovich viola sonata and the entirety of Schumann’s Märchenbilder. That’s some scary shit, man. Lucky it’s 6-7 months away (oh my god that is NOT a long time send help SOS SOS SOS). Seriously though, I’m really enjoying it. All the programs from solo to chamber to orchestral are really exciting and packed full of so much good music. I can’t imagine how much I will have improved by the end of the year.
I think I should comment on the Conservatorium orchestra situation considering I made such a huge stink about it last year. The programming for 2018 is SIGNIFICANTLY better than last year! It’s ridiculous! There are so many concerts and so many incredible works - Ravel’s La Valse, Stravinsky’s Petrushka, Dvorak 9 and Mahler 8 just to name a few. In regard to the politics of it all though, I have a few issues with some things, but this post has been pretty positive so far so I’m gonna keep it that way and whinge in a future salty post.
Old Semeil has had a pretty nice start to the year as well! Had a couple of gigs in late January and plenty more coming up. It was really great to see Gav and he’s got a bunch of new songs to throw my way.. he’s already started throwing them.. hopefully he thinks I’m catching them alright. We’re looking at trying to do another recording session to get some more content up and running, AND we’re gonna try and embark on a wee tour! I’m so excited!!! I’ve never toured before in this context and I’m gagging to play at a bunch of music festivals. Gav has applied for Wallaby Creek which would be absolutely insane if we got to play there because it’s one of my favourites.. I’ll probably go for a stomp whether we get in or not. We’ve also recruited Steph who hits shit for the Mouldies and she’s gonna hit some shit for us too. Personally, I’m really enjoying the extra layer of the kit. It gives some of the tracks a bit more forward momentum. Hopefully I’ll have a link to a recording soon to give you guys some context.
Socially things are pretty great. I’m trying to stay as self aware as possible and my wonderful boyfriend is helping me do so. Identifying who is and isn’t worth your time can be a hard process but it’s definitely worth it in the end. I think I’m getting pretty good at figuring it out but there’s always someone who trips you up. Life is full of lessons innit?
Until next time, pals.
If you play Shostakovich’s Sting Quarter no 8 at 11:54:24pm on December 31st, the headbanging part will start right at the new year
Start the new year off the right wayyy heck yes
who’s doing this bc im doing this
which recording though
I’m just going to listen to shostakovich all day every day of 2018 get on my level
(Source: that-twink-composer, via classical-crap)
Woaaaahhhhhhh man it’s been stupidly long since my last post. Plenty to catch up on so this post will most likely be leNMGTHYYY so strap yourselves in for the ride or click ya little X icon now.
I haven’t updated since August! Well I guess to tie in from my last post a little, performing Shostakovich 11 was INCREDIBLE and my darling Bella is still lighting up my life with her beautiful Aries fire. I played Trauermusik and the F minor sonata (Brahms) for my recital and was pretty chuffed with my result - I can even listen to the recording without cringing! No, in all seriousness, since John lent me his viola my musicality has improved in leaps and bounds because finally, I have an instrument that lets me create the sounds I want without a battle.
Things have been pretty quiet on the Old Semeil front as Gav has been touring madly with the Mouldy Lovers. I’ve been following all their posts with slight jealousy, the band touring life is definitely something I’ve been dreaming of. What was really cool is they asked me to jump on their newest single Boondock, which was super fun and something I’m extremely grateful for. It’s a banger of a track too - I’ll link it at the bottom of this post.
The Tin Foil Co has had a couple of performances which have been fun. It’s been great to meet up with the boys and have a wicked improv sesh. I haven’t found anyone still at the Con that gives me the same sort of musical fulfilment that they do. It’s really great when you find a group of people that are confident in themselves as musicians and aren’t afraid to experiment in some pretty ridiculous ways, but also listen and are sensitive to the rest of the ensemble. I always come out of our jam sessions feeling refreshed.
In September we had the chamber showcase. I performed pieces 1, 5 and 6 from Bruch’s eight pieces for clarinet, viola and piano with two wonderful friends Jarrad and Hannah. I absolutely loved working with these two. They are such incredible musicians full of wonderful ideas, and they pushed me really hard to match their ability. I definitely feel that they helped me grow exponentially as a chamber musician. They’re pretty kick ass buds too.
I feel like I should probably mention the Wagner concert we did at the end of November at the Con. I was involved in a symphony orchestra concert performing a work by Brophy, Tchaikovsky Piano Concerto No. 1 and selections from Wagner’s The Ring Without Words. It was basically a rush job crammed into 6 hours of daily rehearsals for a week and it was stupidly exhausting - classic Con and their bullshit organisation skills with no concern whatsoever about the health and welfare of the students - but it was wicked to play Wagner as that sort of music isn’t played often, and of course working with Johannes Fritzsch was absolutely incredible.
I guess the biggest thing I want to talk about in this post is the QYS International Tour! I arrived back on the 18th (December) and am still pretty exhausted but it was such an incredible experience. Not gonna lie, China was pretty foul. Not sure if it’s because my phobia had me either having an anxiety attack or on the edge of one for an entire week or what. If I wasn’t with all my friends, I don’t know how I would have coped. Germany was indescribably amazing though. The food - especially the sausages and bread - and the beer was to die for, especially after living off basically one bowl of plain rice per day in China, and the beer was … let’s just say I’m going to be disappointed by every beer I drink in Australia. Getting to explore so many little towns was really great and we even had snow!!! So many 100-piece-orchestra snowball fights were had. Performing 12 concerts in 3 weeks was pretty great too. Somehow I managed to survive physically with a pot of tiger balm and regular stretching. Because I never made myself practice, I found myself fanging for a play so I absolutely loved every single concert. I even enjoyed playing scales and warming up beforehand! John had his 85th birthday while we were over there too, and managed to conduct every single concert unphased - he told me he was in pretty horrendous pain but as soon as he got to the concert the adrenaline and endorphins took the pain away. Bless. The whole experience made me so excited for the future, especially because I’m hoping to end up in Germany in the next couple of years. I better start working a bit harder if I want to get there though.
Finally, I’ll chuck in a bit about my social life. I’ve had to let go of a few people in the last few months. Some of which I never thought I would have to. It’s been extremely painful, but it has made me realise who my strongest, truest friends are. I’ve made some dumb decisions, most of the time completely and utterly aware of them, but I’ve come through the other side. Life has its rebirthing processes I guess. However, since the tour, some really beautiful people have come into my life. New relationships have been formed and strengthened and I’m really excited about the new year. To my friends that have stuck by me through everything - I want to extend special thanks to you. You know who you are.
I’ll probably update again in a couple of months. You all know what I’m like.
Hello my lovely blog browsers! Once again it’s been quite a while so I guess it’s time for an update.
Last time I talked a little bit about what was going on with my stomach and how it was causing me a lot of anxiety. I am happy to say the problems with my stomach have pretty much cleared and I’ve been much less anxious in that regard - though I’m still staying clear of alcohol.
So what’s going on at the moment? Not a lot but so much at the same time! I’m slowly getting back into a solid practice routine, obviously I was thrown off by the holidays as we all are. During July I was involved in the Merry Widow opera which we performed at Jimbour House as part of the Queensland Music festival. It was an absolute blast and the early rise and totalled 6 hours of driving was worth it - in my opinion. Disappointingly, that’s all the Conservatorium has to offer for my large ensemble experience this trimester. Two weeks of work, oh yeah and you have to pay an enrolment fee, cheers Soph, have fun doing nothing. Can you tell I’m bitter? Whatever.
Luckily, QYS will be performing Shostakovich 11 in a couple of weeks which I am reeeaaally looking forward to. I have developed an insane obsession with the symphony and it will definitely hold a massive place in my musical heart for the rest of my life. I was also asked to jump on a new track with the Mouldy Lovers and was in the recording studio over the weekend which was AWESOME and I am so grateful that I got to work with the band, it’s something I’ve wanted to do for years! I’m also involved in a fun little folk group at the moment which combines beautiful poetry by our vocalist Zane with some wicked throat singing and string drones - like the folk music in Mongolia. The Tin Foil Collective had a photoshoot last weekend and we (finally) have some gigs coming up! Things are pretty quiet on the Old Semeil front but I’m sure things will pick up again when Gav gets back from Japan with the Mouldies.
So that’s a pretty brief summary of the exciting ensemble stuff going on at the moment - hopefully it makes sense, my brain is pretty scrambled. In regard to solo work, I’m polishing my Brahms F minor sonata and Hindemith’s Trauermusik. I’m very slowly working on Hindemith’s solo sonata for viola op. 25, but I don’t want to do too much on it until I can work out how to play loudly and sustained without tensing my thumb on the bow (any suggestions please throw them at me but if I have another person tell me to ‘use arm weight’ i will headbutt something sharp because whilst I get the concept, I can’t work out how to actually put it into practice). Last week was the John Curro viola prize. I played the Glinka sonata in D minor and came second which was a pleasant surprise considering I was VERY unhappy with how I played. At the moment though, I’m mainly working on refining my technique and removing bad habits that get in the way of me playing better. I’m spending hours in front of the mirror watching every movement and I’m also starting to feel more in tune with what relaxed technique is (pun intended).
Socially things are wonderful. A beautiful lady by the name of Bella has entered my life and she has made Brisbane feel like home. The way I describe our friendship is: I take qualities from her that I don’t have an add them to my already fabulous self - and she does the same. I’ve always gotten along better with guys than girls but it is definitely important to have at least one solid girlfriend around to vent all your ridiculous girly problems to.
This has turned into a pretty long post so I’ll leave it there. Chances are it’ll be another 6 weeks until the next one.
You know those days where your tone is just… inexplicably good? Like you sit down and start running through some scales or something and the sound is just so full and warm and it doesn’t feel like your instrument is fighting you and you feel so in touch with the world… I live for those days
(via yo-yo-nah)
